i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
