I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
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I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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