drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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