All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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