I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
