i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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