Just fell off a train. Bad.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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