That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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