i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
