I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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