I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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