Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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