I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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