Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
