I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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