I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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