my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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