his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
