I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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