you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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