I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
