"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
