Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
