i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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