I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just tell him i said nine months
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
