Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
