i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
