hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
