i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
