grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
