Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
worst night to have a conscience
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
