I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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