My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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