I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
