Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
