Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
