mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Still dying that you shit outside
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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