I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Randomize
