I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
