youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
