I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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