clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
