my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
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I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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