Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
