I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
