I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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