totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
