it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
