Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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