let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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