Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
