Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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