When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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