I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
