i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
