Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
