he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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