FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
