I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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