Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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