Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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