I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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